draino sports

Hey UPS, you wanna know what brown can do for me? It can shut the hell up with all the excuses about why big brown got his ass handed to him at the Belmont Stakes. First it was the cracked hoof, then it was the jockey’s fault, then it was because he slightly bumped another horse around the first turn. How about the fact that it is an animal, not a machine. Michael Jordan didn’t make every game winning shot, Mariano Rivera doesn’t save EVERY game (but most of them). I even heard a rumor that David DeJesus hit a home run off Rivera this year, but I think that was a result of a freak accident in the jet stream above Yankee Stadium at the exact time the ball was struck. The point is, IT IS OK TO LOSE SOMETIMES. Why do we have to analyze the whole thing to death, and then 11 more times after that. And in case you aren’t up on the latest…

STOP THE PRESSES! BIG BROWN MAY HAVE POSSIBLY HAD A LOOSE SHOE! That’s right folks, a loose shoe is the reason we are all staying up at night wondering “how could big brown have possibly lost?! He was the best!…the best!…” Turns out we can all rest easy tonight knowing that big brown is still the greatest and most infallible creature to ever live, he just essentially didn’t double knot his shoes before the big race.

A photo will be released in the June 21 edition of The Blood-Horse Magazine, and I personally CANNOT WAIT to get my hands on a copy of it. I am going to camp out over night at the local stable to get the first copy hot off the presses - in fact I should probably stop writing this instant and break all local driving laws to get there immediately so I am not stuck behind five thousand people trying to do the same thing.

Folks, listen to me. Whether it was a cracked hoof, a loose shoe, continental drift, or effects from the Tunguska Blast of 1908, it doesn’t freakin matter. Big Brown came in last, and the elusive Triple Crown remains unclaimed for another year. If you ask me, its a great thing for the sport anyway. I personally always root against the horse going for the triple crown. Every year that goes by that a horse comes close, but does not quite reach the goal, the aura around the Triple Crown grows, and if for only an hour or two a year, more and more people will stop and pay attention to the three triple crown races. Big Brown is no different. So please, let’s all just let it go and move on. Rick Dutrow (who is probably the biggest asshole in the past 10,000 centuries of universal history) can go cry and bury himself in a shallow grave of the millions of dollars he made on this horse, even though it couldn’t quite win the race that was a “foregone conclusion”.

If I check the sports news a few days from now and find out that it is suspected that Big Brown may have been bit by a vicious mosquito around turn 2, thus leading to his horrible demise in the Belmont Stakes, I’m going to… ah the hell with it, the point is, I just don’t care anymore and I hope no one else does either because what’s done is done, friends. Anyway, Smarty Jones was way cooler.

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